Monday, May 23, 2011

SUPPORT ESSENTIAL IN TIMES OF LOSS


BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES


        Recently I joined the group Twinloss NZ on Facebook. It is a support group for those who have suffered the loss of one or more or all of their twins, triplets or more in a multiple birth from early pregnancy through to childhood and beyond including the loss of a twin sibling in adulthood. They also have a publication called 'Hearts & Wings.' Thanks to Rosemary Smart I have already read 2 issues of this publication. I must congratulate Rosemary and Jan Liddell on the excellent job they are doing. 


        I am very impressed with the mothers of twinless twins who are doing everything possible to help the surviving twin and themselves. Some of us who are twinless twins may not realize how much our parents are affected by the loss. Sadly in a number of instances the twinless twin has not received the necessary support from family and friends because they expect them to find their way into the 'MOVE ON CLUB' or 'GET OVER IT CLUB' at an unrealistic pace.


       I can't help being amazed when I hear stories of twinless twins being told the most unkind statements by friends. However the real shock for me is when their family members do likewise. I am truly grateful to my mom and 2 brothers for the support that they have given me since Janine's death. It is over 2 years and not one wrong or inconsiderate statement has been uttered by them. 

       I am here wondering if the parents and friends who have not shown the necessary understanding would do better if they had more contact with persons who were in a similar situation. This would help them to realize that what the twinless twin is experiencing is nothing strange and he/she is not crazy!  I am willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that they do not fully understand what it means to lose a twin and so they utter these statements. 


     Twins have a special bond that is formed from in the womb. It is called utero bonding. When one dies the surviving twin faces a difficult situation.  Singletons can't begin to know what this is like. Unkind statements only add to the pain that the twinless twin is experiencing and it will never be easy to forget the wrong things that were said.


       Luckily twinless twins have various groups on the internet where they can share their experiences. There are even twinless twin gatherings where they meet in person. Such occasions give the twinless twin an opportunity to meet with others who are on common ground. Based on what I have read from other twinless twins, you can even have fun at such gatherings.  


      If you wish to communicate with other twinless twins check the Twin Loss Yahoo Group, Twinless Twins group on Facebook, Twin Loss NZ on Facebook and The Twinless Twins group in the Experience Project. I am sure there are more groups out there and I would be happy to hear about them.  There are also those of us doing our part on our Blogs.


     I have been accustomed to having company for many years but I have managed to walk this path without being a bother to anyone. Nevertheless I must say that I have found good support from former schoolmates, many of whom I was never close to. I have linked up with them as well as persons who I do not know personally on Facebook. Furthermore I have had such amazing words of encouragement from persons at Writing.Com. I really can't complain. As the saying goes - "Gratitude is the best attitude."
        
       


2 comments:

Anjy Roemelt said...

Judy, I once emailed with a twin whose sister had killed herself and her mother said to her after the funeral: "Now you're finally like the rest of us!"
Words failed me, really, when reading that.

Judy Haughton-James said...

Oh my goodness, this is indeed shocking Anjy. It boggles the mind when I hear what some persons say to twinless twins. Even more shocking is the fact that these words came from her mother. I hope the surviving twin got a chance to get support from others who would not cause her added pain. It is really good that twinless twins now have groups where they can communicate with others in a similar situation. However it helps when family members and friends realize the support that you need.

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