Judy H-J's Thoughts - A Twinless Twin. Jamaican Freelance writer on a healing journey after facing loss. Here I share memories, hobbies, interests, pictures and much more.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
MY THOUGHTS AS I THINK ABOUT ANOTHER DEPARTED LOVED ONE
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
FUN TIMES WE HAD
BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES
Fun times we had a plenty,
It was obvious to so many.
Whether at serious work or play
We were together every day.
That we enjoyed each other's company,
No one can ever deny or even ask why?
Twinship provides memories galore,
That I know for sure.
Lucky to have had a friend wherever I went,
Every moment was well spent.
A life filled with so much pleasure,
Our days together I will always treasure.
Monday, March 14, 2011
JANINE - A TRIBUTE TO MY IDENTICAL TWIN SISTER
She always had a bright smile
And it would last for quite awhile.
Never failing to look her best.
She would accept nothing less.
Friendly and outgoing,
Love she was always showing.
Very close to family and friends,
Right to the very end.
Gone to rest in the twinkling of an eye,
Did not get the chance to say goodbye.
Nevertheless it was probably the best,
That this was the way she went to rest.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
WORDS THAT HAVE HELPED ME FACE THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE.
My family and I have faced death again as my Aunt Prilly passed away this afternoon. Death is something that we all have to face but when we lose a loved one it is always a challenging time. These words helped me when I read them some time after my twin sister's death. I hope they will help anyone who has lost a loved one:
"Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near.
Still loved, still missed and very dear."
"Those we love don't go away,
They walk beside us every day.
Unseen, unheard, but always near.
Still loved, still missed and very dear."
Friday, March 11, 2011
A STROLL DOWN MEMORY LANE
BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES
Warmth marches forward as I take a stroll down memory lane.
A wonderful day to do so as the sun shines brightly on my tropical isle.
Immediately I recall how my twin and I loved to bask in nature's glory.
Right now I can picture us in our identical peach floral dresses
that seemed to welcome passing butterflies.
Spring draws near and we loved visits from our feathered friends.
Their morning chorus made our early alarm clock redundant.
The sound of the long, strong, beak of the woodpecker could never
Be ignored as he relished his favourite insect dish from a coconut tree.
The same tall coconut tree that gave us a refreshing drink of coconut water.
As we gazed downwards the blue sky seemed to kiss the Caribbean sea,
While the surrounding hills and valleys appeared to take on their blue hue.
Today they remind me of the ups and downs on life's journey.
I walk alone as a twinless twin but with God's help I will climb out of life's valley
and head to the top of a mountain of hope.
I have no doubt that the day will come when we meet again.
For sure such a wonderful day that will be.
This awesome scenery engulfs me with inner peace.
Now I take comfort knowing that despite it all,
My twin Janine is in a better place.
Warmth marches forward as I take a stroll down memory lane.
A wonderful day to do so as the sun shines brightly on my tropical isle.
Immediately I recall how my twin and I loved to bask in nature's glory.
Right now I can picture us in our identical peach floral dresses
that seemed to welcome passing butterflies.
Spring draws near and we loved visits from our feathered friends.
Their morning chorus made our early alarm clock redundant.
The sound of the long, strong, beak of the woodpecker could never
Be ignored as he relished his favourite insect dish from a coconut tree.
The same tall coconut tree that gave us a refreshing drink of coconut water.
As we gazed downwards the blue sky seemed to kiss the Caribbean sea,
While the surrounding hills and valleys appeared to take on their blue hue.
Today they remind me of the ups and downs on life's journey.
I walk alone as a twinless twin but with God's help I will climb out of life's valley
and head to the top of a mountain of hope.
I have no doubt that the day will come when we meet again.
For sure such a wonderful day that will be.
This awesome scenery engulfs me with inner peace.
Now I take comfort knowing that despite it all,
My twin Janine is in a better place.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
A TIME TO SLOW DOWN
BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES
When we are grabbed by the cold hands of grief,
We desperately go in search of ways to find relief.
One way for me was to become as busy as a bee,
I would never stop until something to do I could see.
This would ensure that I would be on the go non-stop,
At the end of the day tired, in bed, I would drop.
Nevertheless good rest eluded me many a night,
Reciting Psalm 23 would be one way to put up a fight.
I could hardly wait to see the light of day,
When as a writer I could pour out what I wanted to say.
It has certainly been good therapy for me,
As sad thoughts rushed at me like a raging sea.
An idle mind I could not withstand,
And some persons seemed to understand.
But now I have no choice and must slow down,
It is advice that I can no longer ignore with a frown.
I have no doubt that it will be a huge mistake,
If I don't face reality that it is for my own good sake.
Monday, March 7, 2011
TREASURED TWINSHIP MEMORIES
By Judy Haughton-James
It was good to have come into the world with an identical twin sister on November 4, 1961. I consider it a blessing and will treasure all the memories of our almost 47 years together. Janine and I arrived over 10 years after our two brothers Richard and Sutcliffe. Our family lived on a farm in an isolated area of the country so it would have been a lonely life if I was born a singleton. As a matter of fact about a year after our birth, our brothers were off to boarding school.
What a wonderful companion Janine was. When you have an identical twin, you have someone who has so much in common with you. The word that comes immediately to mind is togetherness. I am grateful that our parents encouraged us to take pride in being alike and saw no problem in our spending a lot of time together. Of course, they never failed to help us realize that each of us was an individual.
Over the years I found it extremely easy to get along with my twin sister. There were times when I would rush to tell Janine something and she was about to tell me the same thing. Furthermore, in discussions, each of us could finish the other's sentence or we even uttered the same words in unison.
Throughout our school days we excelled in the same subjects doing particularly well in the Arts. It was beneficial to us that our teachers and parents recognized that we had the same capabilities and there was absolutely no reason why one should be put in a class below one's standard just to be separated. Knowing how alike we were in thoughts we made sure never to sit beside each other in the classroom. This was done just in case any teacher failed to understand how much we thought alike and believed we copied each other in tests and examinations.
Twinship gives lessons in social skills that parents should enhance. The ability to smile, be polite and communicate with even persons whom we were meeting for the first time is a trait that I will always treasure. I have no doubt that the ease with which we were able to do so came naturally because we were twins. I cannot forget how shocked Miss Josephs, our History teacher at St. Mary High School was when she found out that Janine and I were new students. We had completed 5 years of high school at Marymount High and had just moved to St. Mary High to pursue Advanced Level studies. She was amazed at how well we settled in with our new classmates.
Since my twins death I have read the book 'Twin Loss' by Dr. Raymond William Brandt. For the first time this book informed me about utero bonding where twins bond together while sharing their mother's womb. This first experience teaches twins to share. Being accustomed to sharing things with one's twin equips one with a level of ease in sharing with others. In other words living the life of being a twin is all about sharing and caring. Parents should never stifle this inborn trait while cautioning children how far to go.
It is important to touch the lives of others by showing what it is to be a true friend. This strong sense of friendship is again an offshoot of being twins. Our friends have been long lasting starting from when we were very young until today.
There are many funny moments when you are twins. My twin and I could not help being amused when people could not tell the difference. Most amusing was when someone came across one of us not knowing that there was an identical twin somewhere else only to be totally surprised on seeing someone looking exactly like the person they had just seen. Only a few close friends and our immediate family could tell the difference.
Every child should be taught to appreciate plants and animals and where we live they are in abundance. Janine and I developed a deep interest in birds and about 10 years ago we started a collection of bird figurines. It has grown into a huge collection that graces our living-room in a display unit. This collection stands as a memorial to our shared love for our feathered friends.
When it comes on to special holidays and birthdays, it is particularly good to have a twin to celebrate these moments. I especially notice how important these have been since my twin's death. I no longer look forward to these holidays and my birthday. Anyway, I think a good way to remember a departed twin is for parents and the remaining twin to give a donation to a church, charity or some organization. In the case of my twin, I am thinking of making a donation to the Jamaica Cancer Society on my next birthday as this terrible disease took my twin away.
I would encourage all parents of multiples to help their children enjoy their twinship and treasure all the wonderful memories that come with it. I consider 47 years with my twin to have been a short time together on earth. However, I have enjoyed this short time and although now facing the pain of having lost my twin, I would rather it be so, than not to have been born one of identical twins.
It was good to have come into the world with an identical twin sister on November 4, 1961. I consider it a blessing and will treasure all the memories of our almost 47 years together. Janine and I arrived over 10 years after our two brothers Richard and Sutcliffe. Our family lived on a farm in an isolated area of the country so it would have been a lonely life if I was born a singleton. As a matter of fact about a year after our birth, our brothers were off to boarding school.
What a wonderful companion Janine was. When you have an identical twin, you have someone who has so much in common with you. The word that comes immediately to mind is togetherness. I am grateful that our parents encouraged us to take pride in being alike and saw no problem in our spending a lot of time together. Of course, they never failed to help us realize that each of us was an individual.
Over the years I found it extremely easy to get along with my twin sister. There were times when I would rush to tell Janine something and she was about to tell me the same thing. Furthermore, in discussions, each of us could finish the other's sentence or we even uttered the same words in unison.
Throughout our school days we excelled in the same subjects doing particularly well in the Arts. It was beneficial to us that our teachers and parents recognized that we had the same capabilities and there was absolutely no reason why one should be put in a class below one's standard just to be separated. Knowing how alike we were in thoughts we made sure never to sit beside each other in the classroom. This was done just in case any teacher failed to understand how much we thought alike and believed we copied each other in tests and examinations.
Twinship gives lessons in social skills that parents should enhance. The ability to smile, be polite and communicate with even persons whom we were meeting for the first time is a trait that I will always treasure. I have no doubt that the ease with which we were able to do so came naturally because we were twins. I cannot forget how shocked Miss Josephs, our History teacher at St. Mary High School was when she found out that Janine and I were new students. We had completed 5 years of high school at Marymount High and had just moved to St. Mary High to pursue Advanced Level studies. She was amazed at how well we settled in with our new classmates.
Since my twins death I have read the book 'Twin Loss' by Dr. Raymond William Brandt. For the first time this book informed me about utero bonding where twins bond together while sharing their mother's womb. This first experience teaches twins to share. Being accustomed to sharing things with one's twin equips one with a level of ease in sharing with others. In other words living the life of being a twin is all about sharing and caring. Parents should never stifle this inborn trait while cautioning children how far to go.
It is important to touch the lives of others by showing what it is to be a true friend. This strong sense of friendship is again an offshoot of being twins. Our friends have been long lasting starting from when we were very young until today.
There are many funny moments when you are twins. My twin and I could not help being amused when people could not tell the difference. Most amusing was when someone came across one of us not knowing that there was an identical twin somewhere else only to be totally surprised on seeing someone looking exactly like the person they had just seen. Only a few close friends and our immediate family could tell the difference.
Every child should be taught to appreciate plants and animals and where we live they are in abundance. Janine and I developed a deep interest in birds and about 10 years ago we started a collection of bird figurines. It has grown into a huge collection that graces our living-room in a display unit. This collection stands as a memorial to our shared love for our feathered friends.
When it comes on to special holidays and birthdays, it is particularly good to have a twin to celebrate these moments. I especially notice how important these have been since my twin's death. I no longer look forward to these holidays and my birthday. Anyway, I think a good way to remember a departed twin is for parents and the remaining twin to give a donation to a church, charity or some organization. In the case of my twin, I am thinking of making a donation to the Jamaica Cancer Society on my next birthday as this terrible disease took my twin away.
I would encourage all parents of multiples to help their children enjoy their twinship and treasure all the wonderful memories that come with it. I consider 47 years with my twin to have been a short time together on earth. However, I have enjoyed this short time and although now facing the pain of having lost my twin, I would rather it be so, than not to have been born one of identical twins.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
CANCER
This is one of the early poems that I wrote a few months after the death of my identical twin sister. I know that many persons have lost family members and friends to this terrible disease. I hope that others will be spared from this in the very near future.
CANCER
BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES
Cancer what a terrible disease,
Always causes such unease,
Its pain no one can appease.
Capable of destroying many a cell,
Making someone become so unwell.
Life concerned for all a living hell.
Dear God give doctors and researchers wisdom
To find a cure for this weapon of doom and gloom,
That has resulted in my twin gone too soon.
CANCER
BY JUDY HAUGHTON-JAMES
Cancer what a terrible disease,
Always causes such unease,
Its pain no one can appease.
Capable of destroying many a cell,
Making someone become so unwell.
Life concerned for all a living hell.
Dear God give doctors and researchers wisdom
To find a cure for this weapon of doom and gloom,
That has resulted in my twin gone too soon.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
FINDING DEEP INNER STRENGTH
FINDING DEEP INNER STRENGTH
By Judy Haughton-James
It was just before noon on October 16, 2008 and I felt as if I was in a strange place lost and groping around in the dark. Was this for real or was I dreaming? Is this a reality that I can face? It was at this time that my identical twin sister Janine died after a short battle with stomach cancer.
I did not know that Janine had cancer until she had died. Now when I look back I am relieved that neither of us knew, as it would have been an even more unhappy period for both of us. I don't think I would have been able to deal with my twin's unhappiness knowing that she was dying. As a matter of fact I think she died in peace. Some 15 minutes before she died she said to me 'I no longer feel ill.' It is memories of this moment that help me to find strength in the midst of my sadness.
For some 47 years Janine and I were like two peas in a pod. We looked alike, dressed alike, thought alike and did everything together. The big question that stared me in the face was how do I not fall apart and be strong in such a situation. The constant words from friends and relatives were 'Be strong!' I said to myself "You can say that as you are not the one in my situation." There is that powerful force called utero bonding that makes it extremely difficult dealing with the death of one's twin. It wasn't going to be easy coming to terms with the fact that someone who shared so much in common with me, even to the point of uttering the same words in unison, was no longer with me. In other words I was alone without my best friend, companion and confidante.
This was a moment that demanded real strength. I therefore started reading my Bible, religious books and articles and books on twin loss. I always knew that there was the possibilty of my twin dying and leaving me someday, but I wasn't ready for it so soon in my life. The material I read helped me to understand what I was going through and how to face it head on.
The support of family, friends and pen-pals helped me garner the strength that I needed as I knew that I would never be alone in this uphill struggle. They were like towers of strength with their visits, phone calls, emails and letters. I have had some amazing moments as I would be feeling quite low in spirit and as I checked my emails there would be one or more from friends that had the most inspiring words. Yes, words that make you feel that although you are down you can try to get up.
I have also found strength from the many friends who tell me that they see me as a link to Janine. Actually she had many pen-pals and several have asked me to write to them after her death. One actually said "In a way it is as if Janine is still here."
I face moments of sadness and it has demanded a great deal of inner strength. During such moments I say a word of prayer or I repeat over and over my favourite Psalm - Psalm 23.
I have been a Freelance Writer for many years and what I faced was not just writers block, it was more like a major road block that stopped me from writing anything for months. It wasn't easy getting motivated as the person whom I used to work with and collaborate on many articles was no longer here.
One day while reading Dr. Raymond Brandt's book 'Twin Loss' I came across his advice to write essays and poems about one's departed twin. It dawned on me that I could write essays on Janine and our twinship but writing poems, oh no, that is something that I was never able to do and worse yet not at a time like this.
Some weeks passed and out of the blue I decided to give it a try although it would most likely be the most difficult writing task that I would ever undertake. Much to my amazement I was able to write several poems and was particularly pleased with one titled 'BEING TWINS.' I decided to share it with many friends, relatives and acquaintances and they have all asked me if I am really sure that I had not been writing poems for many years.They complemented me on the wonderful tribute it was to my twin and how it accurately summed up the lives we lived over the years. Here I was struck down by adversity but a hidden talent had been unearthed in this my darkest moment. In addition writing about my twin has proven to be therapeutic and strengthening.
Moments of sadness I can't escape but I try to counterbalance them by reminiscing on the many happy times that we shared. We especially enjoyed our Christmas and Easter holidays and being at family gatherings. Decorating our home during holidays was a favourite pastime and Janine was always the first one to start decorating our home. Christmas 2008 I was not in the frame of mind to decorate our home. As Easter 2009 approached I found myself being haunted with the feeling that I just could not decorate our home. Suddenly I said to myself "Why not decorate the center table in our living-room with Janine's favourite Easter bunny, chicks,eggs, and yellow and lavender feathers?" I kept them up for several days and it gave me strength as I knew that she would have been pleased if she was able to see these decorations. Since then I have used her favourite decorations on special holidays.
I find strength even in the beautiful chorus of birds that visit the gardens and trees on our farm as well as the sound of the woodpecker pecking away at a nearby coconut tree. It brings back pleasant memories of the shared love for our feathered friends that Janine and I had. Actually it was about 10 years ago that we started a collection of bird figurines. What started with the cutest little yellow bird figurines from our mother has grown into a huge collection of figurines from around the world. Today this stands as a memorial to a hobby that we enjoyed tremendously.
Time is moving along quickly and as I continue to draw on all the inner strength that I can muster I will never forget these words that I got on a condolence card - 'Born in love, lived in love, died in love.' They give me strength to continue to live the life that my twin lived and strive to lift my spirit and live for tomorrow.
By Judy Haughton-James
It was just before noon on October 16, 2008 and I felt as if I was in a strange place lost and groping around in the dark. Was this for real or was I dreaming? Is this a reality that I can face? It was at this time that my identical twin sister Janine died after a short battle with stomach cancer.
I did not know that Janine had cancer until she had died. Now when I look back I am relieved that neither of us knew, as it would have been an even more unhappy period for both of us. I don't think I would have been able to deal with my twin's unhappiness knowing that she was dying. As a matter of fact I think she died in peace. Some 15 minutes before she died she said to me 'I no longer feel ill.' It is memories of this moment that help me to find strength in the midst of my sadness.
For some 47 years Janine and I were like two peas in a pod. We looked alike, dressed alike, thought alike and did everything together. The big question that stared me in the face was how do I not fall apart and be strong in such a situation. The constant words from friends and relatives were 'Be strong!' I said to myself "You can say that as you are not the one in my situation." There is that powerful force called utero bonding that makes it extremely difficult dealing with the death of one's twin. It wasn't going to be easy coming to terms with the fact that someone who shared so much in common with me, even to the point of uttering the same words in unison, was no longer with me. In other words I was alone without my best friend, companion and confidante.
This was a moment that demanded real strength. I therefore started reading my Bible, religious books and articles and books on twin loss. I always knew that there was the possibilty of my twin dying and leaving me someday, but I wasn't ready for it so soon in my life. The material I read helped me to understand what I was going through and how to face it head on.
The support of family, friends and pen-pals helped me garner the strength that I needed as I knew that I would never be alone in this uphill struggle. They were like towers of strength with their visits, phone calls, emails and letters. I have had some amazing moments as I would be feeling quite low in spirit and as I checked my emails there would be one or more from friends that had the most inspiring words. Yes, words that make you feel that although you are down you can try to get up.
I have also found strength from the many friends who tell me that they see me as a link to Janine. Actually she had many pen-pals and several have asked me to write to them after her death. One actually said "In a way it is as if Janine is still here."
I face moments of sadness and it has demanded a great deal of inner strength. During such moments I say a word of prayer or I repeat over and over my favourite Psalm - Psalm 23.
I have been a Freelance Writer for many years and what I faced was not just writers block, it was more like a major road block that stopped me from writing anything for months. It wasn't easy getting motivated as the person whom I used to work with and collaborate on many articles was no longer here.
One day while reading Dr. Raymond Brandt's book 'Twin Loss' I came across his advice to write essays and poems about one's departed twin. It dawned on me that I could write essays on Janine and our twinship but writing poems, oh no, that is something that I was never able to do and worse yet not at a time like this.
Some weeks passed and out of the blue I decided to give it a try although it would most likely be the most difficult writing task that I would ever undertake. Much to my amazement I was able to write several poems and was particularly pleased with one titled 'BEING TWINS.' I decided to share it with many friends, relatives and acquaintances and they have all asked me if I am really sure that I had not been writing poems for many years.They complemented me on the wonderful tribute it was to my twin and how it accurately summed up the lives we lived over the years. Here I was struck down by adversity but a hidden talent had been unearthed in this my darkest moment. In addition writing about my twin has proven to be therapeutic and strengthening.
Moments of sadness I can't escape but I try to counterbalance them by reminiscing on the many happy times that we shared. We especially enjoyed our Christmas and Easter holidays and being at family gatherings. Decorating our home during holidays was a favourite pastime and Janine was always the first one to start decorating our home. Christmas 2008 I was not in the frame of mind to decorate our home. As Easter 2009 approached I found myself being haunted with the feeling that I just could not decorate our home. Suddenly I said to myself "Why not decorate the center table in our living-room with Janine's favourite Easter bunny, chicks,eggs, and yellow and lavender feathers?" I kept them up for several days and it gave me strength as I knew that she would have been pleased if she was able to see these decorations. Since then I have used her favourite decorations on special holidays.
I find strength even in the beautiful chorus of birds that visit the gardens and trees on our farm as well as the sound of the woodpecker pecking away at a nearby coconut tree. It brings back pleasant memories of the shared love for our feathered friends that Janine and I had. Actually it was about 10 years ago that we started a collection of bird figurines. What started with the cutest little yellow bird figurines from our mother has grown into a huge collection of figurines from around the world. Today this stands as a memorial to a hobby that we enjoyed tremendously.
Time is moving along quickly and as I continue to draw on all the inner strength that I can muster I will never forget these words that I got on a condolence card - 'Born in love, lived in love, died in love.' They give me strength to continue to live the life that my twin lived and strive to lift my spirit and live for tomorrow.
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